I was informed today that I have made my 100th post.
To think that this blog stemmed from my will to kick myself out of a silly heartbreak has become a canvas for me to paint every emotion I had once more.
Perhaps breakups and death of a loved one aren’t too different. You mourn the loss of the possibilities of tomorrow. You tear at every shared memory you had. You regret what you could have done better. But what’s gone is gone, and what’s broken cannot be fixed.
You don’t want to talk about it, because you don’t want to sound like you are garnering sympathy. But you are so used to pouring out your emotions, that the more you suppressed it and say that you are okay, you are really not okay.
When I sobbed over the phone, my mom told me not to cry. And I cried even more. She could have told me to let it all out, but instead, she told me to rejoice that my grandma is now with the Lord and that she has finally found peace.
Being where I am now, I wonder how she thought of me. Did she remember me as the “banana” in the family, the picky vegetarian, the rebel who almost set her table on fire because she didn’t know how to use a match, the only Christian family among her children, the grandchild who comes over only to sleep on couches, the grandchild who could only stifle limited Hokkien communications to make things less awkward only to make it more awkward?
Maybe I’m none of these in her eyes or I’m all of them. Regardless of it all, she still asked if I wanted to drink the homemade barley water she makes for everyone who comes over every Saturday.
There is a time to mourn and for tears to shed, but there’s also a time to celebrate the memories one has shared.
The timing couldn’t be more conflicting, I have cried about so many things this year and it’s not even May.
What have I accomplished in the span of these 100 posts?
A lot of learning, a lot of growing, a lot of resilience. The best way is to see each post as a step to something more, whether of grievance or joy, whether of confusion or thankfulness. I will still look back, private some posts and comment on how silly I was a second ago. I will always appreciate, always grateful for the encounters I stumble, thrive and meet to this day. I hope I have said more positive words to people and love them as they should be love and even far more beyond. I hope that in all the success that I strive for, that there are blessings instead of folly, and humbleness instead of arrogance.