Downtime.

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So, here you are
too foreign for home
 too foreign for here.
 Never enough for both.

“Diaspora Blues” by Ijeoma Umebinyuo

Perhaps one of the most compelling questions I have dealt with this month was whether I was at peace.

[conversation]

I think I am, so I said.

“But it doesn’t sound like you are.”

Maybe, but I am always in a conflicting battle in my situations, I will be calm and collected but then I will have a million things to think about, like what is the next steps in life. I just wish I could be comfortable. I just feel like I’m on a train that doesn’t stop, and what I need is like a checkpoint to just take a break from everything.

“But the world isn’t going to stop for you, and as you get older, you can’t just drop everything and say it’s enough. You have to learn to adapt.”

Sure, maybe it’s good that I’m leaving, I feel like I shouldn’t get too comfortable in one place or I will never grow. Maybe I’m bound to be like Abraham, always wondering, always searching and never calling one place a home.

“But you just said you want to be comfortable”

I know, I try to make Madison my home, but I don’t feel Malaysia is my home either. Who knows where I will be next? I feel like I’m chasing temporary dreams, and all will come to pass. My rants will only be effective till the deadline of my situations and your success, your relationships and your social life will all come to pass. But you still want to extend that happiness as much as you want. You still want to be in that comfortable zone. But you know, it will still all come to pass.

At the end, nothing is eternal. And I’m trying to see through that and to come to peace in those situations. You think about what remains after all is gone, and we’ve been told in church that God’s love remains, and it never changes. That through everything, he has never forsaken you.

“So why don’t you turn to God?”

I have asked myself that so many times. Every time I face a situation, a heartbreak, or anything, I always tell myself “this is the time to turn to God. And He’s the only one who can get me through this.” But sometimes I just want a two-way street conversation, and often times, I feel like it’s a one-way street. What if I need answers right now due to my time constraints? I know I should be patient, but I need answers.

“Maybe you should turn to the Bible more often. Other than praying, but the Bible will give you answers. 

Back in my sophomore year, I was going through some tough situations, and I wanted to be home in Kansas more than ever, where my parents were. And someone asked, “why don’t you make God your home?” And I went back to Kansas after some time, thinking that it would be the most comfortable place in the world.

And it didn’t feel like home.

I haven’t had that thought in the past few years, but I just remembered it. And I think you should consider making God your home. And I hope you will learn to find peace in His dwelling.”

 

 

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