Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27

I slept at 10:30pm last night.

I had never been so tired, perhaps it’s because I stayed up last night eager to complete a digital painting while being consumed by a song.

On Wednesday, I got a call from my interviewer saying that she wasn’t able to sponsor me, and therefore could not proceed with the interviewer process, whether it went well or didn’t.

In fact, she had no clue of my situation, until she called my boss as a reference, who proceed to explain to her of my current visa status.

If the university I spent my last three years with, who has taught me all the cheers and songs to sing at the football stadium, who has introduced me to winter so harshly that I learned to wear leggings below 30s, who has failed me, surprised me, broke me, supported me, renewed me, pushed me, who has made me love this suburban city a little more, has decided that they can’t do the one thing I wanted the most, I have lost hopes for this city.

“Why don’t you go try some other states? Or some other schools?”

Maybe I should. Maybe I already have.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of trying.

I don’t even know whether I’m trying too hard, trying too little or trying nothing.

All I knew is that I spent 24 hours thinking about it, and the next thing I received was my one-way plane ticket home to Malaysia.


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