Leaving.

A year ago, I was ready to leave.

When I got my car, I wasn’t ready to leave, because now I could explore the map a little more on my own.

Few months ago, I broke down in front of my friend about leaving the community behind. She was married, and she said she did feel called to China but had her heart set on being in Madison for a while.

A few days ago, I heard that my friend was leaving in June for Minnesota.

I heard another three of my friends are going away to Chicago.

Yesterday, my friend almost lost his life in a car accident when a car T-boned the driver side of his car.

Today, I saw a guy on a wheelchair maneuvering around the streets in front of the senior center and I began to wonder about life and what is there in Madison to offer to this man.

For the first time in a long time, Madison is beginning to feel like a hamster ball.

When I started working, a new chapter did begin for me, new people, new connections, new relationships. There was no “do you know so and so” and “so and so”, and that is fine if it’s just one or two in the beginning.

But in the past couple of months, it seems like everyone knows everyone–almost. People who I said hi to on Tinder knew my friends much later, and in some coincidental time and space, we are now almost two degrees of separation apart, if not one.

Like why would this white Purdue dude know my Malaysian friend? Why would this North Carolina white kid know my “alternate-life twin” and my sharing-name twin? Isn’t America like 9.9 million km2 ? I can totally see Malaysia being small (329613 km2) and knowing people, but arghh, I don’t know whether I should be excited that the world is smaller than I think or like freaking out because wherever I go, somebody knows something about me.

Also, with the help of good ol’ Internet and this wonderful public blog, it makes it ten times better that now everyone would know my existence and I can’t do some Memory Charm like what Hermione does or use that MIBII Neuralyzer.

I think part of me is having this dilemma cycle of present me wanting to be YOLO but knowing there’s consequences, future me wants to be this all-righteous servant of God and everytime I look at past me I will be like “Dude, why are you stubborn” or like “ergh dude, can’t believe you did that” “why did you do that” “did you not watch enough movies/read stories/Bible/understand life lessons/listen to your mom to understand.”

I started looking at plane tickets today, perhaps this is the end of the five stages of grief: acceptance. Moving out is another season in life, and I do need a breath of fresh air.

Now it’s just time to take action.

 

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