“Two halves don’t make a whole, two wholes make a whole. In my relationship, I was giving myself away to make the relationship better, but in actuality, wasn’t doing better by doing that. I became less of a man.”
Over dinner last night, my friend and I were talking about how some people attract the most attractive kind of people. In one particular topic, we were mentioning about one of my good friends, and how I never considered her as attractive.
Friend: “she looks like a wholesome girl.”
The word itself had a certain ring to it. Like a halo ring. Like we should all achieve to be wholesome in some way.
Wholesome girl is that girl who looks like she will never speak ill of people. Wholesome girl is the girl you bring home and your parents would instantly want you to marry her. Wholesome girl is the girl that should be the girl of your dreams, that if you screwed up and broke up with her, it’s your fault because wholesome girl is just like a four-leaf clover you may never find again until much effort and time.
Wholesome girl has nothing to lose, because she has everything to gain.
Her integrity is intact, her values are strong. The brave tries to woo her, but only the best succeeds. She’s out of many leagues, because she’s the ideal girl, that if you were to be with her, she’s just too good to be with you.
It’s funny how we talk about people being out of leagues, like how we should fit in to the crowd first, before we can approach that person.
Why can’t someone be a whole person? Why does someone have to be losing a little bit of themselves to fit in?
I have enjoyed my short encounters with people who just share a little bit of their lives and exposed their interests to someone who possibly would not understand it. It has helped me shape my interest but also learn a little bit more of the world. In my opinion, I don’t see that quite as fitting in, but just learning about their culture, not trying to find a way to see a foot at the door to get into the team.
When you stop trying to fit in, you start having realistic expectations about yourself, about what you can do. Your goals are not for others, but of your own. I went to a spring break trip in Colorado with a bunch of Navigators and had no intentions to mingle with them after camp but just make it through surviving in camp. I didn’t become best friends with any of them but I had the best kind of fun in the trip experiencing the beautiful place. I have had a little rift at one time due to my ideas and that’s fine. My sole goal was to experience a road trip to Colorado, and everything else was secondary (but I appreciate the bunch who stayed on after the trip! You know who you are).
The idea of being whole, is that you know that you don’t have to sacrifice yourself just for the sake of that one person. You don’t become a spineless partner the moment you date someone and trust me, no one would want to stay for the long-run if anyone becomes too dependent. You want to develop an idea of co-independency, where one is able to have their own goals but also be able to support their partner’s goals.
So here I am, single. I know I’m not ready to date. My fair share of experiences have shown me how much more I need to learn about myself before I try to support others. I know I gotta be my own whole, and not a puzzle piece trying to find its match on the plane field.
(was introduced to this book today, and it fit into what I had running through my mind. The book’s called “The Missing Piece meets the Big O” . It almost has The Little Prince feel! )
For now, the split is amicable. “We are still super friends, we go to yoga together, we surf together,” Mraz said. “We acknowledge the journey that each of us is on. We certainly want each of us to feel whole and complete. And it’s when you’re whole and complete that that attraction exists and it really thrives.”
-Jason Mraz on his break-up with then-fiancee Tristan Prettyman in 2011. Jason Mraz is now married to Christina Carano.